I like to think of myself as a trailblazer of some sort. I like adventure and trying new things that will expand my horizons and give me a new perspective to incorporate into my core being. Over the last year I have been doing quite a bit of reaching outside my comfort zone, with a new project that stretched my communication muscles, taught me patience and more than I could list here. Still I remained torn between something and something. A nagging feeling of unease, unrest and overall dissatisfaction with where I was at in my life.
In previous tantric studies with my teachers a point that was made stuck with me. Anything that conflicts or restricts your alignment with your naked flame (true self) will create turmoil until it is shed or accepted. Hmmm. It was trial and error time for me. I tried to find out what it was that kept me from aligning with my true self (naked flame). This took some time as you can imagine. It also took me to places within myself that were not pleasant, comfortable or even attractive. Those places were in the shadow parts of me. The parts that I pushed away and never visited or shed light on. The time spent traveling these shadow spaces within me were the most difficult but also the most rewarding times of my life. To find that I could heal, forgive and accept those parts of me brought about an integration of myself that I had never known. Ever. The light (conscious) side of me was joyful to discover that it didn’t always have to stand alone and that it wasn’t the only part visible anymore. What a relief! The dark (shadow) side of me had feelings beyond words about being able to be present, accepted and needed.
Feeling like a whole person, complete with both light and dark (shadow) parts to me, gave me a very different sense of self. The areas where I felt like I was one dimensional became multi dimensional. I had new insight and compassion for myself and others. I found myself in the place of wanting the very best for my body, mind and spirit. I began to cut away that which no longer serves me. I experienced loss and grief over much that was lost or cut away. Some I had no grief over. I did not grieve when I quit smoking and drinking alcohol. I rejoiced that I escaped two of the most prevalent brain washing addictions that exist. Nope, I am not going to proselytize here. I am just bringing you my own journey. After I stopped numbing the mind/body/spirit and became accepting of the uneasy feelings that came up or bored feelings, or anxious feelings or restless or any other uncomfortable feeling, I found myself in a place where I had never been.
“Don’t be afraid to go where you’ve never gone and do what you’ve never done. Because both are necessary to have what you’ve never had and be who you’ve never been. ” Tut.com